Aftermath (Prologue)
The aftermath of my teenage years was the feeling of carrying a lifeless boy through a desolate wasteland.
I staged myself as the person I would like to be.
I didn't succeed.
No matter how hard I tried - it wasn't me.
I was hiding and I was on the run.
I was ashamed of myself.
Nothing was like it used to be.
Nothing succeeded.
There was always something wrong - with me.
After a while I forgot that I ran, but I was always tired.
But why would I run? If it wasn't for the fact that I thought there was something better to find out there?
Cocoon
I found a nice place to hide. Far away.
Something, someone, not perfect, but I had a place to hide.
I closed myself up and locked the door. I sealed the windows and made a fire.
All was good, it seemed. I had found a hideaway, a refuge, an exile. Something I wanted to believe in.
But there was a huge world within myself and outside myself.
I couldn't lie to myself forever. In fact I couldn't lie to myself for very long. The pain and the longing was too strong.
I withered in a muggy cocoon.
Return to Life
I was on the run again.
After years of running I found "the right girl".
She awakened the dead boy inside.
An explosion of happiness.
She left me after three months... She couldn't be together with me.
My heart torn into pieces. Someone was cutting arteries with a blunt knife.
I stopped looking. And I started drinking.
I started drinking the way I used to run. For years.
After a 24 hours drinking marathon I realized that I ran like a ton of metal in free fall.
Like a locomotive I would plunge over the cliff and drag the wagons down to destruction. I would lose my job, my teeth would rotten, I would lose my home, I would end up with hobos sitting on a carpet on The City Hall Square.
I stopped drinking.
I returned to life. I returned back to the miserable pile of scrap there was left.
I sat there without moving an inch.
I stayed within the chambers of my starving heart.
I said goodbye to people who once were my friends and I cried. But I stayed within my circle of pain.
The pain was no longer gonna move me one single inch. Something else was going to move me.
Not the pain.
Transformation
Love, a volcano of boiling lava where monstrous giants meet and face the truth.
They are cleansed or they die in volcanic fires.
It is a fight through water and fire.
A fight fueled by years of pain and humiliation. A fight between hate and humbleness.
This time the executioner is no longer another person. This time the executioner is myself.
What will I choose?
I bow my neck. Not to the executioner. But to the truth.
Let the truth come in to my heart.
Let the truth transform my heart and my soul.
The boy awakens.
A boy whom I thought was dead.
He enters into my heart.
I pass through water and fire.
With my love.
Awakenings
I see life as it is.
I see the powers of the world unfold.
I see life's struggle and fight.
It is extremely painful and I am full of tears. But this time I see things as they are.
I am awake. I am aware.
I see that people live inside their own creations.
It is extremely painful. I see that people live inside their own personal war zones.
I am no longer a part of the war zone. I am no longer a victim.
I see myself as I am and I have stepped out of the zone.
I stand within the circle of love and the ones I used to hate stand outside the circle.
The End (Epilogue)
The journey from being a victim to the ending of emotional betrayal is over.
I have passed through water and fire.
I am free.
A new beginning is on.
The boy is alive.